Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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