my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
