I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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