ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
