I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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