yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
