She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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