Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
