Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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