i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
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Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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