i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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