Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dicks are not precious.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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