So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
