just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
