i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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