I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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