New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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