i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
