I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
