The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
