she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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