I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
