If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
