bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
