Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
