So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
