If i could tip my vagina, i would.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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