I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
