got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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