They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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