Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
