New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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