Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
