Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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