she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
