Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
