oh god the rape fog is back!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
