He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
