Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
