Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
