More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
