And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
