Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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