and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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