I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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