Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
