Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
