Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
