he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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