just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
