Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
