you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
