I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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