oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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