Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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