You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
