i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
