Jerry, you need to find god
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
