so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This is my gift to your gina
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
