I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I enjoy the company of your penis
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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