woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
